Did you know that there isn’t just one type of grief? In fact, it is possible to grieve in multiple ways, and each way has a name. For women diagnosed with breast cancer, one of the most common yet often overlooked forms is disenfranchised grief. But what does it mean, and how does it affect those who experience it? Let’s take a closer look.
What Is Disenfranchised Grief?
Grief is often identified as someone’s emotional response to loss. When you think “grief”, your first thought may go to what you feel when you lose a loved one, friend, or even pet. But, disenfranchised grief is a bit different. Simply put, this type of grief doesn’t fit in with society standards and attitudes. This type of grief is also one of the hardest ones to deal with, because of the lack of awareness and support for people going through the process.
Potential Causes of Disenfranchised Grief
Now that you know what disenfranchised grief is, let’s talk about what could be the cause of it. First, know that being diagnosed with breast cancer, or even diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time, could mean that you’re dealing with this. But other causes could include;
- loss of a pet
- the loss of a person that wasn’t a trusted loved one (including an abusive partner, parent, friend, or someone who hurt you)
- a breakup or loss of a same-sex partner that you weren’t open about with (in society) due to fear
- grief about a loved one dealing with mental or physical health conditions
- dealing with the loss of infertility, a miscarriage, or adoption that didn’t go through
- loss of a loved one due to suicide, substance overdose, or abortion
- grief over the decline of your health or loss of mobility
All of these losses can cause grief, but many people have a hard time expressing or dealing with those feelings and emotions because society doesn’t validate this type of grief as it should. Because of this, people dealing with disenfranchised grief often feel;
- Intense feelings of longing and loneliness
- Avoiding places, things, or thoughts that remind you of the loss or event
- Feeling that life isn’t worth living after the loss
- In a constant state of shock or numbness
- Anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders
- Physical symptoms like fatigue, joint pain, nausea, decrease in appetite, and more
If you’re experiencing any of this, it’s important to remember that a) your feelings are completely valid and b) this is normal in grieving. You should never feel ashamed for grieving, even if society’s views aren’t fully accepting of it.
Why Am I Experiencing It?
It’s possible to experience multiple types of grief at one time. You can experience it even while going through complicated grief, anticipatory grief, anniversary grief, and more. Also, it’s important to know that you’re not wrong if you are experiencing it. We cannot control our bodies and how they react to trauma, and that includes getting diagnosed with breast cancer or having recurrent breast cancer.
When it comes to disenfranchised grief, you may experience it for a variety of reasons, including dealing with the surprise of a diagnosis, grieving your ‘healthy’ body from before, feeling lost and confused, wondering why it’s happening to you, questioning what you did wrong, and experiencing other emotions. Although many women experience these thoughts and feelings after their diagnosis, the first step in understanding and working through this grief is recognizing that you did nothing wrong.
Knowing that it’s okay to mourn and grieve the life you thought you would have can help ease disenfranchised grief. It’s completely normal to feel this way, and you are not alone—nor are you wrong for grieving something that society may not recognize as ‘important.’ Remember, grief is not just about death; we grieve many kinds of losses.
How to Deal With Disenfranchised Grief
Now that you know what disenfranchised grief is and how it happens, let’s talk about how to work through it. Unlike regular grief, which follows the typical pattern of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, disenfranchised grief doesn’t go along with this typical circular pattern. Instead, it may miss some, go back to others, and stay in one place (like anger or bargaining) far longer than regular grief. It can seem impossible to know how to deal and cope with this type of grief. But there’s hope.
Focus On Your Health
First, the easiest things you can do when dealing with disenfranchised grief is to take care of yourself.This may be easier said than done, but maintaining your routines and prioritizing both your mental and physical well-being can support you as you navigate your grief.
This includes;
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating healthy and wholesome meals as often as possible
- Exercising for at least 30 minutes daily, preferably in the sun, and low-impact to reduce stress
- Keeping up with your daily routine, including morning and night routines
- Avoiding activities that can make grief worse, like drugs, alcohol, or self-sabotage
- Being kind to yourself and giving yourself the space and time to grieve
While this isn’t an exhaustive list of what you can do to feel better, it’s certainly a good start.
Find Support
Another step you can take is to find people who understand more about disenfranchised grief, and can help you. This includes finding a support group in your area, or online, finding a therapist, or talking to your care team.
Just a few support options you can try include;
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help target the negative thought patterns that you have during grieving.
- Group therapy, specifically a grief group so you can talk to others, get support, share your experience, and get aid from a licensed therapist or counselor.
- Acceptance commitment therapy (ACT), where you focus on using tools to help you accept your negative feelings.
- Art therapy, which can help you process your emotions and work through grief.
- Support groups, which can help you connect with other people going through other similar things, like being diagnosed, and allow you to heal with a community that understands.
Whatever you do, don’t believe that you have to do any of this alone. There are so many resources out there that can aid you as you process and handle your grief.
What If It Never Goes Away?
Grief, in any form, is not linear. There will be ups and downs, and you may find yourself cycling through emotions more than once. That is okay and completely normal. You do not need to set a specific time frame for your grief.
However, if you find yourself feeling worse, and not better, and if you find yourself never feeling higher or better day to day, you may need more support.
If at any point you start to have feelings of hopelessness, wanting to end your life, or depression that keeps you in bed or changes your lifestyle, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255. They offer free and confidential emotional support 24/7.
Other Grief Types To Be Aware Of
Along with disenfranchised grief, there are other types that you should be aware of. Again, all of these can happen together, but some may last longer than others, and some you may not experience at all.
First, there’s anniversary grief, which is one of the most common amongst those who have been diagnosed. This usually occurs during certain times or periods of the year. For many women, this grief pops up around the time that they remember they were first diagnosed.
Anticipatory grief is usually in response to an expected loss, including being diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Chronic grief is long-term, and this type usually has a significant impact on your day-to-day life.
Delayed grief occurs when the grieving process is suppressed or postponed for any reason. This type of grief often overlaps with disenfranchised grief.
Exaggerated grief is one of the most intense of all, because it can include nightmares, phobias, and suicidal thoughts. It can also come out of nowhere, so it’s important to stay aware and in tune with your feelings.
Masked grief happens when you’re unaware of the behaviors that interfere with your normal life. You may think it’s normal to have anxiety or insomnia, when in reality, your body is trying to get you to slow down.
Last but not least, Prolonged Grief Disorder is a recognized mental health condition that may require specialized therapy and, in some cases, medication. Because it is chronic, intense, and persistent, professional support is often necessary to help individuals cope and regain a sense of well-being.
Coping With Disenfranchised Grief After Breast Cancer
Coping with grief is never easy, but knowing the steps you can take to make it easier on yourself can be helpful. If you feel you’re experiencing disenfranchised grief, we hope you’re able to get the support you deserve, and can use this article as a starting point!
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